I'll admit- I'm feeling the pressure and slightly overwhelmed. While I have been pulled from work by my doctor due to to complications (preterm labor, excessive amniotic fluid, baby is too big, history of c-sections, et cetera) is this pregnancy I feel like I don't have any time on my hands and being out of work contrary to what I once believed makes me feel more restricted and confined.
I have been in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices more then someone who thinks they are sick with every disorder (I can't remember what they are called). In top of that the icing on the cake is that I am in the process of consulting with doctor's and other medical professionals about my oldest son and what he's been going through.
I am scared. I have a second consultation with his pediatric doctor next week to discuss testing and other options for what may or may not be autism or some other disorder or developmental delay. He is a very very smart little boy who I think is just being lazy. He is 5 years old and refuses to use a toilet- the end results has been arguments, tantrums, tears, and plenty of treated diaper rash. It is keeping him from being registered to start school (kindergarten) in the fall and I don't know how to handle it on top of everything else that has been going on with my overly complicated pregnancy which I never expected. When I spoke to his class teacher Mrs. M- she agreed to set-up a parent-teacher conference, but before we had the opportunity to meet she was transferred to another location. In our conversations before she was transferred she said that she too had been noticing many little things that led her to believe that the possibility of Autism was not that far fetched. She has worked with many children that were differently abled. Things have to be a certain way- he has to have a routine, he lines his cars up in rows upon rows in a certain order and if you move one he notices, he is very intelligent with mathematics (he came to me not that long ago and began spewing math that they haven't even touched yet because it's not covered until 1st or 2nd grade- multiplications being one of them), and there is so much more.
My other little boy has speech issues which a separate consultation is being scheduled for him to discuss his developmental delay on that. He knows what he wants to say- he just cannot say it. He turn 4 in August and is still almost completely incomprehensible when speaking. You cannot tell the difference between many of his words and it's been frustrating for both parties. He gets so upset because I cannot understand 80% of what he is saying and I keep repeating to him different phrases in hope of deciphering what it is that he wants or needs. He also has a heart murmur and I want to know if one has anything to do with the other. I have a friend who's brother was off again on again sick throughout our years of growing up together because of his heart murmur and it just makes me wonder how minor a murmur really is. They tell me not to worry about it. The first time was in the hospital right after he was born when they told me and said that he would outgrow his murmur by the time he was 2. 2-3 weeks after he was born we spent a week in the hospital because he spiked a fever and could find no cause, but couldn't release him until his fever broke and he was back to normal. I can't help, but still feel that the two were somehow connected and could very well be linked to his issues today. He has hit every milestone with the exception of his clearly speaking and potty training- as the focus of potty training has been more on his big brother then him, but he does get ample encouragement and praise for trying to use the potty.
When things hit the fan- they really hit the fan and I know God won't give me more then I can handle, but it doesn't change the fact that I can feel the pressure of it all and feel like my world is crumbling and the walls are closing in. I love my children very much and will continue to do everything in my power to make sure they know that and to make sure they are cared for even through the rough times- it will make those sweet times and moments even sweeter and in the end I'm sure things will work out, but in the present it's albeit much to swallow. So I'm taking it one day at a time with a big ol' grain of salt being rubbed into my open wounds all the while smiling and not letting my children see me cry from sheer frustration, stress, and pain of feeling so helpless and alone.
